“Where There’s Smoke: The Fire of Relational Aggression”
copyright 2008 Demian Elaine’ Yumei

CHAPTER 1(d)
IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING?

Good at Lying
So how do you begin to deal with something so slippery as relational aggression that even you, as a target, question whether it’s happening or not?

First, it’s important to be able to recognize and identify the aggression, the signs and characteristics of it – what it looks like, smells like and sounds like, even when camouflaged – especially when camouflaged. We’ll do that in Part II of this book.

You need to not only know that you did get hit, but what hit you. You need to understand what you’re dealing with and what you’re up against.

All individuals engaged in relational aggression or other types of covert abuse use a form or combination of various forms of deception. For this reason, covert abuses are often sensed in your gut as “something not right” before they are recognized with full awareness. That’s why it’s really important for you to listen to what your feelings are telling you.

It took a while – a long while – for me to be able to recognize the more subtle forms of covert abuse. At first, I just grappled with feeling disoriented and confused. I knew I often felt uneasy or anxious, but wasn’t quite able to put my finger on why.

Part of this is because we communicate not only verbally but with visual cues. These don’t always line up if a person is lying to you, so we’re given conflicting messages, and we suspect we are being lied to. But it’s even more disquieting, when the visual cues given you are in support of what the deceiver is actually saying, and you know better…or thought you knew better.

Some people are so good at lying they can lie with their whole body language as easily as with their words. They can show signs of sincerity through their facial expressions and body postures, and it’s so convincing.

Your instinct may be telling you something isn’t quite right or maybe you are aware that what is passed off as truth doesn’t line up with your own experience or knowledge. This is where many good people fudge. We don’t like to contradict other people. We don’t like the conflict. We want to give others the benefit of the doubt.

So you are asked to forgo your own discernment. Maybe you were mistaken. Maybe you are wrong. But when you weren’t and you aren’t and you doubt yourself anyway, your ability to read and navigate within your reality is undermined just a bit. Your knowledge, your experience is invalidated. You lose a piece of yourself. This loss continues exponentially with each dismissal of your truth.

[Chapter 1 to be continued]

[This material is part of my book, “Where There’s Smoke” and is copyrighted by myself, Demian Elaine’ Yumei, as is all posts authored by myself on this blog. If you use any part of these writings, even in fair use, please include my name and a link back to this blog, http://www.relationalaggression.net/blog. Thank you! ~ Demian]

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“Where There’s Smoke: The Fire of Relational Aggression”
copyright 2008 Demian Elaine’ Yumei

CHAPTER 1(c)
IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING?

Creating Your Own Reality
Because of the popularity of books and DVD’s such as “The Secret”, I feel I need to briefly express a few thoughts on the subject of creating your own reality. There is a belief that says reality is an illusion; a manifestation of energy that becomes physical through the power of our attention. Therefore, the logic goes, we should not focus on what we don’t want.

I think personal responsibility for one’s reality is an admirable thing. And there certainly is wisdom in choosing to focus on the positive rather than dwelling on the negative. But not dwelling on something is not the same as not acknowledging or dealing with it in a responsible way.

Taking personal responsibility is, also, not the same as absolving someone of their responsibility. I have found that in not wanting to blame another, we often fail to assign responsibility where it’s due. Or in not wanting to blame another, we wind up blaming ourselves.

I have seen too many people misuse spiritual and religious teachings to either excuse themselves from they suffer or absolve themselves of the pain they inflict. Because it’s all so negative, you know. It’s so tempting and too convenient to abandon the sometimes messy work of healing to the more pleasant task of attending to positive things or to diminish, or deny completely, the hurtful impact of one’s own abusive behavior.

One unfortunate belief is the belief that no one can hurt you unless you believe they can. Not only are you responsible for creating someone hitting you (whether with words or fists) but you are, also, responsible for the impact!

The fact is you can get hurt even when you never, in a million years, thought you could or believed you would. Not one person I know, no matter how spiritual, can stand in the rain and not get wet. In relational aggression, verbal and emotional assaults often come at you out of the blue from people you least expect. And when you respond by turning away and pretending it didn’t happen, it’s an abuser’s dream come true.

The purpose to which you use your belief is as important as what you believe. Do you use it to embrace your power or to escape what you fear?

Do you hurt? That is not inconsequential.

Have you caused someone to hurt? That is not irrelevant.

If you do create your reality, before you go visualizing something else, wouldn’t it behoove you to acknowledge your handiwork?

No truth asks you to lie.

What you experience is what you experience. Whether it’s part of some divine plan in the cosmic scheme of things or just a cruel arbitrary fact of nature, you need to be real and you need to be honest about where you are.

So tell yourself the truth. Telling yourself the truth of your experience doesn’t make you less spiritual. It makes you honest.

Absolutely, focus on the positive, but if it’s there, look at the negative. Acknowledge it. Deal with it. Choose how you will respond, but don’t let that response be pretending it didn’t happen or doesn’t exist. It obviously does on some level.

If you’re aware of it to deny it, it exists for you to address. Deal with whatever presents itself to you with integrity.

[Chapter 1 to be continued]

[This material is part of my book, “Where There’s Smoke” and is copyrighted by myself, Demian Elaine’ Yumei, as is all posts authored by myself on this blog. If you use any part of these writings, even in fair use, please include my name and a link back to this blog, http://www.relationalaggression.net/blog. Thank you! ~ Demian]

“Where There’s Smoke: The Fire of Relational Aggression”
copyright 2008 Demian Elaine’ Yumei

CHAPTER 1 (b)
IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING?

Keep an open mind to others, seek to understand, but do not substitute anyone’s assessment or assertion for your own discernment. This is your responsibility. Do not abdicate it.

Covert abusers deceive. They hit and run and cover their tracks. They smile and say it never happened, or they didn’t mean anything by it, or it had nothing to do with you.

If you’re like a lot of women and girls, you will do anything to avoid confronting someone or hurting their feelings. You may feel reluctant to tell someone they’re lying, or call them on their game playing, (I’ve done this) even as they stand there right in front of you, lying to your face.

If you’re a guy, you might feel embarrassed this is happening to you or perhaps you’re afraid of appearing petty or not tough enough to handle it.

To be lied to is abuse. Don’t turn around and compound the abuse of their denial, with your own. If you do, your self-respect and self-trust will suffer.

All the techniques of manipulation, projecting, denying, accusing, trivializing, rationalizing, justifying and half-truths, (which we will delve into in Chapter 7 “What Does Deception Look Like? ), these assaults of relational aggression not only work on other people, they work on you. They can make you doubt yourself, make you feel crazy. But you’re not.

You’re a target and you’re under fire. Sometimes you need to hear that.

[Chapter 1 to be continued]

[This material is part of my book, “Where There’s Smoke” and is copyrighted by myself, Demian Elaine’ Yumei, as is all posts authored by myself on this blog. If you use any part of these writings, even in fair use, please include my name and a link back to this blog, http://www.relationalaggression.net/blog. Thank you! ~ Demian]

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“Where There’s Smoke: The Fire of Relational Aggression”
copyright 2008 Demian Elaine’ Yumei

CHAPTER 1 (a)
Is This Really Happening?

I feel compelled to open the first chapter with this question, because self-doubt and confusion are among the first responses to covert abuse.

We must be mistaken. Our friends wouldn’t act like this. And if it’s our enemy who’s treating us this way, perhaps the abuse is so subtle we may question as to whether we’re being carried away by our own prejudice.

Covert abuse seeks to remain hidden. It derives its power from secrecy and preys on the weaknesses and vulnerabilities of others. It will ask you to deny your discernment just as it denies its own existence to itself. For if deceivers deceive others as to their actions, they, also, deceive themselves as to their motives.

You need to tell yourself the truth. Somebody has to!

Don’t start doubting what your senses tell you. If your eyes see that smirk on someone’s face or those darting glances, if your ears hear the sound of derisive laughter, if every time you approach a group of “friends” you keep seeing their backs – no matter where you stand, or feel the hard impact of a body-slam on yet another day, don’t let the denials of other people cause you to ignore what you experience.

You will, most likely, be asked to by the aggressor…and others. There will be those who will want you to ignore your reality. Perhaps they have their own personal investments or agendas, or perhaps, they are influenced by well meaning but mistaken assumptions. Whatever the reasons for denying your reality, invalidation chips away pieces of you.

Do not invalidate yourself.

You know when you are being hurt, even when it’s done “slight of hand”. Trust your inner senses – your intuition, your gut.

When you first begin to sense something is wrong pay attention. Not only do people give nonverbal cues, we receive them, too! As long as that voice is there, keep listening to what you are trying to tell yourself.

[Chapter 1 to be continued]

[This material is part of my book, “Where There’s Smoke” and is copyrighted by myself, Demian Elaine’ Yumei, as is all posts authored by myself on this blog. If you use any part of these writings, even in fair use, please include my name and a link back to this blog, http://www.relationalaggression.net/blog. Thank you! ~ Demian]

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“Where There’s Smoke: The Fire of Relational Aggression”
copyright 2008 Demian Elaine’ Yumei

Creativity and Connection
As a singer/songwriter, I, also, included four songs in this project, three of which came directly out of my experience with relational aggression. These songs were written in my music partnership with my dear friend, Stacey Young, as DreamSinger.

For the Sake of Love, Dancing Cranes and Look Inside You can be found on our debut CD, “For the Sake of Love” at www.cdbaby.com/dreamsinger. Backstabber is exclusive to this project. Each song represents specific stages on the healing journey – my healing journey – with relational aggression.

I would, also, like to point out the examples I use in this book have been culled through years of my life – not just one stage or one set of players, as well as, the lives of others who have shared their experiences with me, in person and through the internet. Details and any revealing characteristics have been omitted or modified to protect people’s identities and privacy.

No one person is being singled out, except me, as I share with you my mistakes and successes.

Where There’s Smoke is a harvesting of the fruits of my struggles and attempts to understand the abusive dynamics of my own toxic childhood, as well as my experience with relational aggression and other abuse in my later years. It’s a sharing of what worked and didn’t work for me.

And it’s an invitation to connect.

What hurt me most throughout all my experiences of abuse was the feeling of isolation, the feeling that I was alone, cut off…and maybe a little crazy.

But you’re not crazy and you’re not alone, and my first desire in writing this book and sharing these thoughts is to let you know that.

I hope these words will shed some light for you. I hope they will lead you to healing if you are suffering or have suffered as a target of relational aggression or any form of covert abuse. And I hope they lead you to healing if you suffer as an aggressor or in any other role, for to be touched by these toxic dynamics in any capacity, is to suffer some form of pain.

And so I welcome you. Pour yourself a cup of tea. Sit with me and let’s bring the light of understanding to the dark places of covert abuse together.

Demian,
~DreamSinger
Revised Introduction May 2008

[This material is part of my book, “Where There’s Smoke” and is copyrighted by myself, Demian Elaine’ Yumei, as is all posts authored by myself on this blog. If you use any part of these writings, even in fair use, please include my name and a link back to this blog, http://www.relationalaggression.net/blog. Thank you! ~ Demian]

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