By dpsling
Her first article can be found here, Trying to Move On in the Aftermath
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It has been several years now since my first incident with RA. [RA = relational aggression ~ editor] Time does heal wounds. I was invited to and attended “her” daughter’s graduation party this past summer. Feeling healed enough and strong enough, I was able have conversation, present a gift and truly celebrate their joyous occasion. The close contact caused me to revisit and reminisce in my mind what our friendship once was and what wonderful times we shared.
I miss her.
I also realize our friendship can never be what it once was.
Notice the opening sentence says”It has been several years now since my FIRST incident with RA.”
Yes, I have learned RA is not a “one time” occurrence. We live in a fallen world and people are going to hurt each other.
Teaching my daughter the ins and outs of RA is now one of the roles forced upon me. Like a mother bear and her cubs, I desperately want to protect and isolate “my cub”, but teaching her how to deal with people will benefit her in the long run. She has had to deal with RA in one form or another.
Learning how to handle a situation when it’s an adult performing RA on a child can be a challenge, especially when the child is taught to respect adults and has done nothing to provoke RA. I’m discovering some women can just be plain old mean and nasty.
Thank you again, dearest Demian, for being there to help me when I was at my lowest. It was a time when I felt no one understood me or could relate to what I was going through. You were there, you understood, you validated me and you encouraged me. You helped me rebound and heal. I thank God that He helped me find you!
Hi, dpsling! So wonderful to have you share your thoughts and experiences again. Thank you! The blessing has been mine.
It’s incredibly validating and inspiring to hear of other women’s stories, to learn from others and to learn more from your own experiences through the sharing of them. So I thank you!
RA is not a one-time experience, because covert abuse is not a one-time experience. It’s a much used way of asserting power and relating to people. It’s so easy to go from using manipulation of one to several.
I’ve gone through witnessing and helping both my daughters through relational aggression. It’s amazing to me how early it can start and how often it rears it’s ugly head. I, too, have had to deal with adults who I felt were less than forthright in how they deal with children. The things is, if manipulation is a method you fall back on dealing with your peers, it will also be easy to fall into with children.
I do believe it’s very important to teach children the signs of relational aggression and covert bullying. Perhaps the best way to do this is to teach them signs of respect and honest communication. When children can recognize this, when they become familiar with it, it’s easier to point out the contrast – even if they are subtle. They are still there.
As a mother, it’s been a challenge for me to prepare my child to deal with unethical behavior and not make my child paranoid. For me, it works to build that foundation of healthy relationships and against that backdrop to point out the not healthy. That places dysfunctions behavior as abberations, albeit common ones, but still aberrations to be aware of and not excused or rationalized away.
Your daughter is fortunate to have a mother who has the awareness to address this situation. Since covert bullying and relational aggression aren’t exclusively behaviors of the young, you are empowering them with skills they’ll use in adulthood. So I commend you.