So many of us feel guilty about setting boundaries, as if somehow it’s just not a nice thing to do.
We feel guilty, because most people are basically caring people. When people try to intrude into our space, we can sense on some level their desperation. We know they are feeling pain, and it’s hard for us to ignore.
Some of us (particularly females) are hardwired to be nurturing to others, to take upon ourselves the responsibility to provide comfort to others, to make everything all right.
We need to remind ourselves that nurturing others is not the same as letting them suck the life out of us or use us as a doormat for their needs. We need to remember that there is a difference between defining our boundaries and alienating someone out of relational aggression.
Defining our own space does not make us bullies…no matter how hard someone, trying to bully us into believing it, insists it is.
I raised only sons and now I’m struggling with relational aggression with daughters-in-law and the guys are mostly clueless and some of the women are enabling the bad behavior to attack me. We were close until the one entered the picture….don’t know what to do….I’m very nurturing but I set boundaries in the rest of my life…and now I’m being attacked by my kids.
Welcome mothernature! I know this is painful for you and I’m sorry you have to go through this, but I thank you for bringing this up. Because relational aggression and any form of covert abuse goes in many directions and crosses many lines.
It’s NOT just youth to youth, as you so well know.
You say your sons are clueless. Are the other daughter-in-laws aware of what’s actually going on? How many are there?
If you suspect one is the ringleader, and you used to be really close to the others, perhaps, the thing to do would be to address the others, one on one – starting with the one you were closest to and/or the most approachable at this point – concerning your relationship with them.
Have you tried that?
I’d be careful about accusing the aggressor of anything at this point. I’d just address the dynamics between you and the one you used to be close to, face to face, heart to heart. Maybe over some tea or other comfortable type of meeting.
And I’d probably just address the closeness you used to feel and cherished, and sense that isn’t quite there anymore. And ask if it was anything you might have done, you’d love to be able to address it, because you care. And I would put it as way of caring and concern for you two – not accusation of or defense from the other.
The most important thing is to stay cool, and not let her throw you off balance and wind up making you say or do anything that would not reflect well on you.
It’s probably what she would love. It being one of the most effective tactics of the covert abuser.