“Where There’s Smoke: The Fire of Relational Aggression”
copyright 2008 Demian Elaine’ Yumei

CHAPTER 1(f)
IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING?

The Necessity of Integration
The integration of what I sensed intuitively and what I discovered intellectually was not only an important part of my healing, but crucial to my ability as a human being to function in my world. To be cut off from your ability to discern and name your own experiences is to be seriously handicapped.

The assaults of covert abuse can shake your sense of wholeness. The mind games can tear down your confidence to where you are constantly second guessing yourself and walking on eggshells in a reality you can no longer read or trust.

Being able to discern and being integrated within yourself is important not only to healing, but for survival. You can’t navigate through your world effectively without being present and you can only be present if all of you is there.

That is why giving up your own intuition and discernment for someone else’s story is such a mistake. This is what relational aggression and all forms of covert abuse ask….demand of you.

Say no.

Specific situations have specific details that are unique to the individuals involved, but there are patterns to watch for and characteristics. When you listen to your sense that “something is wrong” and take it to your knowledge of what can be wrong, you give yourself the opportunity to use your power of discernment to compare and assess your situation.

You check your understanding with your reality, analyzing and intuiting, nurturing and reinforcing your integrated self. You give yourself a framework in which to provide some sanity amidst the craziness. You create the space for clarity. You give yourself the ability to make better choices.

Knowledge and awareness can, also, address your sense of isolation and the shame it often entails. Relational aggression, and covert abuse in general, is a common occurrence, but chances are if you are a target or have been a target, you feel alone.

I will never forget the first time I heard the term, “relational aggression” coined by researcher Dr. Nicki Crick, and popularized by author, Rachel Simmons. Naming my experience gave it wings. It no longer sat on my chest, crushing me with confusion and frustration.

It strengthened my growing understanding and made all the broken pieces of comprehension I had been gathering, throughout my relational aggression experience, fall into a cohesive picture. And it gave me the one thing that is most denied to and missed by targets, by all victims of abuse - validation.

I wasn’t crazy, after all. I wasn’t imagining things or being petty or small. This really was happening…and it was hurtful.

[Chapter 2 to follow]

[This material is part of my book, “Where There’s Smoke” and is copyrighted by myself, Demian Elaine’ Yumei, as is all posts authored by myself on this blog. If you use any part of these writings, even in fair use, please include my name and a link back to http://www.relationalaggression.net. Thank you! ~ Demian]

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