“Where There’s Smoke: The Fire of Relational Aggression”
copyright 2008 Demian Elaine’ Yumei
CHAPTER 1(e)
IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING?Being Vigilant
It takes a lot of energy to be vigilant, to spot this kind of deception when it’s happening, to question what you are being told either verbally or visually, to compare what you are given with what you know, to look carefully for contradictions or inconsistencies.It’s a lot of work.
This is why being with subtly deceptive people can leave you feeling drained. Emotional fatigue is a telling sign to watch out for.
In the midst of my own confusion, I asked why. Why were things not adding up? Why was I feeling confused and disoriented in these interactions?
There were people who didn’t want me to ask these questions or to go beyond the smoke screen. I was told to, “Stop analyzing everything.” And “You think too much.”
But instead of brushing it off or listening to others who tried to get me to drop it, either for their own agendas or with good intentions, instead of allowing myself to be spiritually shamed into being a better target, I persisted in trying to understand.
That I was in the midst of these assaults gave me plenty of fodder to go through.I looked carefully at the impact of words and actions. I considered the actual results of what was said or done, as opposed to what was claimed or asserted. I tried to see if there was a connection between what appeared to be sporadic, intermittent behavior and purpose. I analyzed the dynamics that were appearing before me and considered their implications.
I paid attention.
As I did so an image began to appear, like the outline of a camouflaged animal, and then the whole creature. I began to clearly see and understand what I had been only, previously, picking up and sensing, on an intuitive level.
I was right.
[Chapter 1 to be continued]
[This material is part of my book, "Where There's Smoke" and is copyrighted by myself, Demian Elaine' Yumei, as is all posts authored by myself on this blog. If you use any part of these writings, even in fair use, please include my name and a link back to http://www.relationalaggression.net. Thank you! ~ Demian]
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The double dragon is an appropriate symbol for the topic of relational aggression and female power - two heads coming out of one body.
For in truth, the dragons exist one within the other, as both aggression and empowerment exist within each person.
Relational aggression isn't so much about a specific person, a "bitch" we love to hate, as much as a state of mind; a set of choices we all can make.
Certainly, aggressors and targets are specific roles that people do play, but the point here is that the possibility for their manifestation exists in every person.
On this healing journey, it is important to remember that the reality of an aggressor is only a choice away for each one of us.
Be willing then, to see yourself, if only in potential, in both roles - aggressor and target. Doing so will give you the blessing of insight and understanding, and with that, true empowerment.
Demian,
~"DreamSinger"
4 comments in " 11_WTS Chapter 1: Being Vigilant "
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Follow-up comment rss or Leave a Trackback.“Naming my experience gave it wings. It no longer sat on my chest, crushing me with confusion and frustration.”
Ain’t that the truth! I remember telling a therapist about my adolescence and feeling embarrassed because it all just seemed like the same old crap. I told him “I wish I could tell you about how I got raped by my uncle in the barn,” since then I’d have a traumatic experience that would be respected. What the therapist said then floored me: he said “maybe you didn’t have an experience like that, but you were abused, and you were traumatized. Don’t you realize that?” I didn’t know what to say. I hadn’t realized that at all.
I hear that a lot. “What I went through wasn’t as bad as what_____ went through, but…” as an apologetic preface to sharing their experience.
Every person’s experience is their own. Another person’s scale of pain does not lighten or decrease ours. Perspective can shift our experience of it when we are ready, but what we feel is what we feel. And your feelings are important because you are!
So glad you stopped by. I visited your blog earlier this evening. I like your honesty and candor.
Yeah what strikes me is that when something bad happens to us it never actually feels as bad as it is considered to be in society. I was sexually assaulted age 18 and I remember knowing that I had been criminally attacked but also thinking “It was over in minutes and I’m still alive – was that truly as bad an act as it is said to be?”
Experiences that society believes, rightly so, are highly dangerous and traumatic, are in reality far less ‘exciting’, for want of a better word, than their social/legal label.
It is this that we need to guard against as a society when legislating against deviant behaviour because the behaviour itself does not share the sensation and drama of it’s social title so victims think “It wasn’t that bad – what’s all the social fuss about?”
In my experience ‘18 year old sexually assaulted in her own bed by a family friend’ sounds far more dramatic and scary than the actual experience itself was if you know what I mean. It was over in minutes. (I woke up)
And yep we also compare to others as if that makes our violation ok! I told people just to gauge their reaction – not maliciously but just to find out if it really was as criminal as it was supposed to have been and I wasn’t over reacting. I did this right into my early twenties!
Shocking but very interesting. xxxxx
Well, I do believe every experience is individual, but I think until recently, society has downplayed sexual assault because it just didn’t want to deal with it. Victims were asked to dismiss or downplay acts of violation to preserve the family name or spare family members embarrassment.
How long a violation occurs is, also, irrelevant as to how wrong it is. And that one person may handle that better than another doesn’t absolve the attacker of anything. Perhaps those seconds didn’t change your life in a negative way forever, but for another it might have.
I’m glad you were able to remain more centered and empowered in your life, truly. But I know there are others who with one wrong slip of the hand can walk away with a devastating sense of shame and guilt that will haunt them for the rest of their lives.
I, quite frankly, don’t care what society has to say about how we should feel, except to the extent that it determines what kind of care and support will be offered those who need it. I do, however, care very much about how a victim may fee, because that is how precious each and every one of us is.
Demian,
~DreamSinger