» 11_WTS Chapter 1: Being Vigilant RELATIONAL AGGRESSION and COVERT BULLYING:

Posted in June 16th, 2008

“Where There’s Smoke: The Fire of Relational Aggression”
copyright 2008 Demian Elaine’ Yumei

CHAPTER 1(e)
IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING?

Being Vigilant
It takes a lot of energy to be vigilant, to spot this kind of deception when it’s happening, to question what you are being told either verbally or visually, to compare what you are given with what you know, to look carefully for contradictions or inconsistencies.

It’s a lot of work.

This is why being with subtly deceptive people can leave you feeling drained. Emotional fatigue is a telling sign to watch out for.

In the midst of my own confusion, I asked why. Why were things not adding up? Why was I feeling confused and disoriented in these interactions?

There were people who didn’t want me to ask these questions or to go beyond the smoke screen. I was told to, “Stop analyzing everything.” And “You think too much.”

But instead of brushing it off or listening to others who tried to get me to drop it, either for their own agendas or with good intentions, instead of allowing myself to be spiritually shamed into being a better target, I persisted in trying to understand.

That I was in the midst of these assaults gave me plenty of fodder to go through.

I looked carefully at the impact of words and actions. I considered the actual results of what was said or done, as opposed to what was claimed or asserted. I tried to see if there was a connection between what appeared to be sporadic, intermittent behavior and purpose. I analyzed the dynamics that were appearing before me and considered their implications.

I paid attention.

As I did so an image began to appear, like the outline of a camouflaged animal, and then the whole creature. I began to clearly see and understand what I had been only, previously, picking up and sensing, on an intuitive level.

I was right.

[Chapter 1 to be continued]

[This material is part of my book, “Where There’s Smoke” and is copyrighted by myself, Demian Elaine’ Yumei, as is all posts authored by myself on this blog. If you use any part of these writings, even in fair use, please include my name and a link back to http://www.relationalaggression.net. Thank you! ~ Demian]
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2 comments in " 11_WTS Chapter 1: Being Vigilant "

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YogaforCynics said,

in July 26th, 2008 at 10:41 pm

“Naming my experience gave it wings. It no longer sat on my chest, crushing me with confusion and frustration.”

Ain’t that the truth! I remember telling a therapist about my adolescence and feeling embarrassed because it all just seemed like the same old crap. I told him “I wish I could tell you about how I got raped by my uncle in the barn,” since then I’d have a traumatic experience that would be respected. What the therapist said then floored me: he said “maybe you didn’t have an experience like that, but you were abused, and you were traumatized. Don’t you realize that?” I didn’t know what to say. I hadn’t realized that at all.

Demian~DreamSinger said,

in July 28th, 2008 at 11:38 pm

I hear that a lot. “What I went through wasn’t as bad as what_____ went through, but…” as an apologetic preface to sharing their experience.

Every person’s experience is their own. Another person’s scale of pain does not lighten or decrease ours. Perspective can shift our experience of it when we are ready, but what we feel is what we feel. And your feelings are important because you are!

So glad you stopped by. I visited your blog earlier this evening. I like your honesty and candor.