“Where There’s Smoke: The Fire of Relational Aggression”
copyright 2008 Demian Elaine’ Yumei

CHAPTER 1(c)
IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING?

Creating Your Own Reality
Because of the popularity of books and DVD’s such as “The Secret”, I feel I need to briefly express a few thoughts on the subject of creating your own reality. There is a belief that says reality is an illusion; a manifestation of energy that becomes physical through the power of our attention. Therefore, the logic goes, we should not focus on what we don’t want.

I think personal responsibility for one’s reality is an admirable thing. And there certainly is wisdom in choosing to focus on the positive rather than dwelling on the negative. But not dwelling on something is not the same as not acknowledging or dealing with it in a responsible way.

Taking personal responsibility is, also, not the same as absolving someone of their responsibility. I have found that in not wanting to blame another, we often fail to assign responsibility where it’s due. Or in not wanting to blame another, we wind up blaming ourselves.

I have seen too many people misuse spiritual and religious teachings to either excuse themselves from they suffer or absolve themselves of the pain they inflict. Because it’s all so negative, you know. It’s so tempting and too convenient to abandon the sometimes messy work of healing to the more pleasant task of attending to positive things or to diminish, or deny completely, the hurtful impact of one’s own abusive behavior.

One unfortunate belief is the belief that no one can hurt you unless you believe they can. Not only are you responsible for creating someone hitting you (whether with words or fists) but you are, also, responsible for the impact!

The fact is you can get hurt even when you never, in a million years, thought you could or believed you would. Not one person I know, no matter how spiritual, can stand in the rain and not get wet. In relational aggression, verbal and emotional assaults often come at you out of the blue from people you least expect. And when you respond by turning away and pretending it didn’t happen, it’s an abuser’s dream come true.

The purpose to which you use your belief is as important as what you believe. Do you use it to embrace your power or to escape what you fear?

Do you hurt? That is not inconsequential.

Have you caused someone to hurt? That is not irrelevant.

If you do create your reality, before you go visualizing something else, wouldn’t it behoove you to acknowledge your handiwork?

No truth asks you to lie.

What you experience is what you experience. Whether it’s part of some divine plan in the cosmic scheme of things or just a cruel arbitrary fact of nature, you need to be real and you need to be honest about where you are.

So tell yourself the truth. Telling yourself the truth of your experience doesn’t make you less spiritual. It makes you honest.

Absolutely, focus on the positive, but if it’s there, look at the negative. Acknowledge it. Deal with it. Choose how you will respond, but don’t let that response be pretending it didn’t happen or doesn’t exist. It obviously does on some level.

If you’re aware of it to deny it, it exists for you to address. Deal with whatever presents itself to you with integrity.

[Chapter 1 to be continued]

[This material is part of my book, “Where There’s Smoke” and is copyrighted by myself, Demian Elaine’ Yumei, as is all posts authored by myself on this blog. If you use any part of these writings, even in fair use, please include my name and a link back to this blog, http://www.relationalaggression.net/blog. Thank you! ~ Demian]