“Where There’s Smoke: The Fire of Relational Aggression”
copyright 2008 Demian Elaine’ Yumei

CHAPTER 1 (a)
Is This Really Happening?

I feel compelled to open the first chapter with this question, because self-doubt and confusion are among the first responses to covert abuse.

We must be mistaken. Our friends wouldn’t act like this. And if it’s our enemy who’s treating us this way, perhaps the abuse is so subtle we may question as to whether we’re being carried away by our own prejudice.

Covert abuse seeks to remain hidden. It derives its power from secrecy and preys on the weaknesses and vulnerabilities of others. It will ask you to deny your discernment just as it denies its own existence to itself. For if deceivers deceive others as to their actions, they, also, deceive themselves as to their motives.

You need to tell yourself the truth. Somebody has to!

Don’t start doubting what your senses tell you. If your eyes see that smirk on someone’s face or those darting glances, if your ears hear the sound of derisive laughter, if every time you approach a group of “friends” you keep seeing their backs – no matter where you stand, or feel the hard impact of a body-slam on yet another day, don’t let the denials of other people cause you to ignore what you experience.

You will, most likely, be asked to by the aggressor…and others. There will be those who will want you to ignore your reality. Perhaps they have their own personal investments or agendas, or perhaps, they are influenced by well meaning but mistaken assumptions. Whatever the reasons for denying your reality, invalidation chips away pieces of you.

Do not invalidate yourself.

You know when you are being hurt, even when it’s done “slight of hand”. Trust your inner senses – your intuition, your gut.

When you first begin to sense something is wrong pay attention. Not only do people give nonverbal cues, we receive them, too! As long as that voice is there, keep listening to what you are trying to tell yourself.

[Chapter 1 to be continued]

[This material is part of my book, “Where There’s Smoke” and is copyrighted by myself, Demian Elaine’ Yumei, as is all posts authored by myself on this blog. If you use any part of these writings, even in fair use, please include my name and a link back to this blog, http://www.relationalaggression.net/blog. Thank you! ~ Demian]

Share This