“Where There’s Smoke: The Fire of Relational Aggression”
copyright 2008 Demian Elaine’ Yumei

Introduction (continued)
Labels and Diagnoses

In this book I will focus on behavior more than labels or diagnoses. While labels can be extremely em-powering, even liberating, they can also take on a power of their own, much more than they merit.

The question of a diagnosis, in particular, seems to come up frequently in abusive relationships. Targets of abuse, in their understandable search to make sense out of the madness, will often ask whether or not the abusive individual has a personality disorder.

If the question is asked for greater understanding of dynamics, for knowledge, and therefore empowerment, then I say ask and look for the answers. But if it is asked to determine whether or not you should stay in an abusive situation, I would say the answer is irrelevant.

It’s irrelevant as to whether or not you – or your children, if you have any – are being abused. It’s irrelevant as to whether or not you should stay if you are being abused. What is relevant is how you or those in your care are being treated.

I will focus on behavior. Clinical diagnoses are beyond the scope of this book, but I do cover various ways you can protect yourself and your loved ones from abuse.

Don’t place too much weight on labels, categories or the medical diagnostic assessments of another. Look to the behavior and its impact – both exterior and interior, to ascertain the level of safety and health for you and others.

Exterior clues involve what you see, hear and experience in your interactions with another. Interior clues are about how you feel – the impact and the inner warning signals you give yourself, but overlook or ignore for a variety of reasons. Your ability to make good decisions and protect yourself is dependent on being able to pick up and assess these two types of clues.

It’s no coincidence that your ability to discern and to accurately assess your reality are among the first things to be attacked or undermined in covert abuse.

The other thing about labels is the labeling of relational aggression, itself. Relational aggression is often referred to as “female bullying”. However, relational aggression is really not unique to females. That is a myth perpetuated by popular books and movies.

While varying degrees of relational aggression is used by women and girls for dealing with conflict, the manipulation of relationships to hurt another for personal gain or vendetta is, in actuality, a part of a large repertoire of human behavior by both sexes.

This cultural “tunnel vision” projecting passive aggressive covert abuse mainly upon females allows men and boys to indulge in this behavior without any real accountability. Cultural prejudice, which tends to trivialize or diminish the suffering of women and children, also, tends to trivialize the damage relational aggression can do, when perceived as a merely a “girl thing”.

In regards to another prejudice, the labels or groups we divide people into based on age are irrelevant to the harm an abuser can inflict upon another. A youthful tongue does not dull the sharp edge of a rumor or gossip. Kids who are victims of relational aggression do not take comfort nor do they feel lucky their aggressors are young.

Whether done by a young person or seasoned veteran, by a male or female, by someone who just isn’t nice or a full-blown narcissist, the mechanism and hurtfulness of abuse does not change. Abuse is abuse. That and its impact is what needs to be addressed first. The state of mind or particular traits or medical diagnosis of the abuser or bully can be dealt with later.

[Introduction to be continued]

[This material is part of my book, "Where There's Smoke" and is copyrighted by myself, Demian Elaine' Yumei, as is all posts authored by myself on this blog. If you use any part of these writings, even in fair use, please include my name and a link back to this blog, http://www.relationalaggression.net/blog. Thank you! ~ Demian]