Comments on: Trying to Move On in the Aftermath http://www.relationalaggression.net/blog/2007/10/16/trying-to-move-on-in-the-aftermath/ Fri, 21 Nov 2008 04:45:06 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.5 By: Demian~DreamSinger http://www.relationalaggression.net/blog/2007/10/16/trying-to-move-on-in-the-aftermath/#comment-5643 Demian~DreamSinger Mon, 05 Nov 2007 19:30:53 +0000 http://www.relationalaggression.net/blog/2007/10/16/trying-to-move-on-in-the-aftermath/#comment-5643 Hey dpsling, it's okay. It's totally understandable wanting/needing to be heard by someone. Remember, the thing that's so wrong about this situation isn't that you told someone, but that you're placed in this position to begin with. Maybe you shouldn't have told this friend. I don't know how trustworthy she is with keeping confidence, but that's something I know you will be able to deal with no matter what happens. I'm not certain if I understand why she's in shock. Is it because she can't believe what she just heard or is it because like you last year, she is on the receiving end? I'm thinking it's because she's just having a hard time dealing with this new information, but I just wanted to be sure. Part of being good friends is to support one another and lend an ear and a shoulder in time of need. This doesn't have to be another repeat of relational aggression. As your friend, she doesn't really have to do anything except to be your friend. She doesn't need to pick up your banner or make things right for you or tell others. She doesn't even have to change her relationship with this woman. What she can do now, because she's been informed, is just be more aware of whatever dynamics are occurring between this woman and herself. That way she reduces the chances of being blindsided. But she doesn't have to "take sides". In that way, she doesn't have to get involved. Being someone to talk to is part of being a friend, so if you didn't ask her to take any kind of action against this woman, then you really haven't gotten her involved. Do you see what I mean? Make sure you make this clear to her, so she doesn't feel out of loyalty she's expected to do something for you or whatever. If both of you can be clear in your boundaries, then you can be friends to one another without going to war for one another. If more people did this, there would be *much less* relational aggression. It's hard to do relational aggression without collaborators, which isn't synonymous with being a good friend. It will be okay. Don't feel guilty, dpsling. It's human nature to want to be heard and understood, and at least, acknowledged. What happened to you last year happened. You made it through that. You will make it through this. :-) Demian, ~DreamSinger Hey dpsling, it’s okay. It’s totally understandable wanting/needing to be heard by someone. Remember, the thing that’s so wrong about this situation isn’t that you told someone, but that you’re placed in this position to begin with.

Maybe you shouldn’t have told this friend. I don’t know how trustworthy she is with keeping confidence, but that’s something I know you will be able to deal with no matter what happens.

I’m not certain if I understand why she’s in shock. Is it because she can’t believe what she just heard or is it because like you last year, she is on the receiving end? I’m thinking it’s because she’s just having a hard time dealing with this new information, but I just wanted to be sure.

Part of being good friends is to support one another and lend an ear and a shoulder in time of need.

This doesn’t have to be another repeat of relational aggression. As your friend, she doesn’t really have to do anything except to be your friend. She doesn’t need to pick up your banner or make things right for you or tell others. She doesn’t even have to change her relationship with this woman.

What she can do now, because she’s been informed, is just be more aware of whatever dynamics are occurring between this woman and herself. That way she reduces the chances of being blindsided.

But she doesn’t have to “take sides”. In that way, she doesn’t have to get involved. Being someone to talk to is part of being a friend, so if you didn’t ask her to take any kind of action against this woman, then you really haven’t gotten her involved.

Do you see what I mean?

Make sure you make this clear to her, so she doesn’t feel out of loyalty she’s expected to do something for you or whatever.

If both of you can be clear in your boundaries, then you can be friends to one another without going to war for one another. If more people did this, there would be *much less* relational aggression. It’s hard to do relational aggression without collaborators, which isn’t synonymous with being a good friend.

It will be okay. Don’t feel guilty, dpsling. It’s human nature to want to be heard and understood, and at least, acknowledged. What happened to you last year happened.

You made it through that. You will make it through this. :-)

Demian,
~DreamSinger

]]> By: dpsling http://www.relationalaggression.net/blog/2007/10/16/trying-to-move-on-in-the-aftermath/#comment-5585 dpsling Fri, 02 Nov 2007 15:37:00 +0000 http://www.relationalaggression.net/blog/2007/10/16/trying-to-move-on-in-the-aftermath/#comment-5585 I think I opened a can of worms! I told a mutual friend of the abuse I received from our friend last year. I think it was a mistake to tell her. It's all new to her and so she is experiencinig the shock that I went through last year. I thought that if I told her then I would feel like I wasn't so alone and I would have someone who understood and could pray with me/for me, but now I feel more alone than ever because I got her involved and perhaps I shouldn't have. I'm feeling guilt for letting the "cat out of the bag". I think I opened a can of worms! I told a mutual friend of the abuse I received from our friend last year. I think it was a mistake to tell her. It’s all new to her and so she is experiencinig the shock that I went through last year. I thought that if I told her then I would feel like I wasn’t so alone and I would have someone who understood and could pray with me/for me, but now I feel more alone than ever because I got her involved and perhaps I shouldn’t have. I’m feeling guilt for letting the “cat out of the bag”.

]]> By: dpsling http://www.relationalaggression.net/blog/2007/10/16/trying-to-move-on-in-the-aftermath/#comment-5530 dpsling Tue, 30 Oct 2007 18:41:08 +0000 http://www.relationalaggression.net/blog/2007/10/16/trying-to-move-on-in-the-aftermath/#comment-5530 Dear Demian, I am finally getting a chance to write to you. I read your blog on "Acting Like it Didn't Happen" It was very helpful to read that so thank you for sharing it. As you know, Sunday's can be difficult for me but ever since I wrote the letter that I didn't send it has been a turning point for me and I am doing MUCH better...not perfect, but better. This AM I played my french horn during offertory in our church service. Afterwards, my abusive friend made the point of coming up to me and said "You did a beautiful job, and of course I alwaysjust, oh, love it when you play." She was so animated by swinging her arms and very emphatic in expressing her self. All I could think in my mind was "She's just putting on a show. She's such a liar and a fake." I know I did a great job, but it meant nothing coming from her. I am playing for God, not her or anyone else, so in the big picture it doesn't matter, but I felt strength knowing that I didn't feel anger or low self esteem around her. I only felt like I could see her for who she truly is and it felt great! Dear Demian,

I am finally getting a chance to write to you. I read your blog on “Acting Like it Didn’t Happen” It was very helpful to read that so thank you for sharing it.

As you know, Sunday’s can be difficult for me but ever since I wrote the letter that I didn’t send it has been a turning point for me and I am doing MUCH better…not perfect, but better. This AM I played my french horn during offertory in our church service. Afterwards, my abusive friend made the point of coming up to me and said “You did a beautiful job, and of course I alwaysjust, oh, love it when you play.” She was so animated by swinging her arms and very emphatic in expressing her self. All I could think in my mind was “She’s just putting on a show. She’s such a liar and a fake.” I know I did a great job, but it meant nothing coming from her. I am playing for God, not her or anyone else, so in the big picture it doesn’t matter, but I felt strength knowing that I didn’t feel anger or low self esteem around her. I only felt like I could see her for who she truly is and it felt great!

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