(This is a recent comment that the author gave me permission to move here as a separate post under her user name. I think it covers some very interesting points and would like to continue the dialog here as a post in its own right, rather than under a post published months ago. Demian~DreamSinger)
Hello Demian,
It has been a while since I’ve written to you. It has been a year since my friend “freaked out” on me and it is interesting to read what I wrote (in comments - editor’s note) and look back over the past year. I thought that a year would heal the wounds, but I do still struggle with depression. I have good days more than bad. God has brought many wonderful friends into my life and I am very blessed.
My “friend” did send me an email apologizing again for the way she handled things. I told her I forgave her and she doesn’t need to keep apologizing. I do struggle because she apologized for the way she “handled the situation”, she didn’t apologize for calling me a horrible friend, liar etc….So in my mind I know she still thinks these horrible things about me.
The most difficult day of the week is Sunday because that is when I have to see her at church. Her position is prominent and her ministry is growing very well. I have expressed to my husband that I would love to find a new church so that my worship time with God will help me grow, instead of struggling each week like I’m carrying a deep secret about this woman who can do evil things and I should be telling others and warning them about her so they don’t get “sucked in” like I was.
It’s so difficult for me to watch her be so cheerful and wonderful to everyone, people really like her. She is on top of the world and I am struggling daily. I still feel alone at times. I’m glad for her, I’m not jealous, I just want people to see who she really is so they don’t get hurt by her like I was. I don’t wish this on anybody.
If I could talk openly with her I would tell her how much her horrible words affected my ministries at church, which in turn, affected a lot of other people who I ministered to. I would tell her that she is the reason our home group fell apart. My husband stepped down from leadership in order to protect me from her and now no one has stepped up to be a leader so the group no longer meets.
I would tell her that I no longer direct the girls choir becuase I couldn’t cope with the depression her harsh words caused and buying groceries for my family was a huge task for me, let a lone ministering to others.
I would tell her that words can really hurt a person and she should choose them wisely.
Thanks for listening while I vent my feelings. I think of you often and hope all is well with you!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Be Notified of New Posts by Email
6 comments in " Trying to Move On in the Aftermath "
If not logged in, please log in to make a comment. Thanks!
Follow-up comment rss or Leave a Trackback.Hey dpling, it has been a long road, hasn’t it? But you *have* come a long way and it makes me feel good to see you taking more and more of your power back.
You write, “I do struggle because she apologized for the way she “handled the situation”,she didn’t apologize for calling me a horrible friend, liar etc…So in my mind I know she still thinks these horrible things about me.”
That’s the way it is with toxic people. It’s a huge leap for them to even apologize in the most general of terms, but to be held accountable for specific things, words spoken or action taken, that’s too much for some people.
You know you’re talking to someone like this, because after they say they’re sorry, they *expect* everything to be okay. There’s no space for you to express your feelings, no time for you to recover or deal with the impact of their actions. *They* say they’re sorry, and that’s it. Everything is supposed to be fine. After all, *they* said they were sorry, isn’t that enough?
No, it’s not. Because it’s not just about them. A true apology provides space for the other person to express themselves and time to resolve their feelings. Another person factors into the equation, and unless you’re afforded this, their “apology” only serves to make you feel even more invisible…and then bad for not truly forgiving, but it’s because you weren’t really given the opportunity or the conditions to do so.
It’s hard to tell what’s going on in her mind, whether she thinks these horrible things about you or not. That’s one hook you will want to release yourself from.
And it sounds like the “pretending everything’s okay” is the hardest part for you, and I do understand. Play acting can become its own kind of abuse, especially when you are witnessing the same kind of dynamics occurring with other people.
“I would tell her that words can really hurt a person and she should choose them wisely.”
Very well spoken. It’s a lesson we should all heed.
Hi Demian,
Guess what? I wrote a letter to my friend who “freaked out” but I didn’t send the letter. I discussed it with my husband and I am at the point where I have great satisfaction knowing that I don’t have to send the letter, that I have kept her out of my life and there is a lot of power in that. As you said, if I send the letter I will give her a chance “to get back in” and I absolutely don’t want that. It’s more important for me to keep her “out” than to send the letter. It has given me great satisfaction and empowerment to write the letter, as a vent, and then not send it because I know it will not accomplish anything positive. She will absolutely freak out again if I send it to her.
Last week she asked me to be a prayer coordinator for the ministry in which she is regional director. Last year I was the prayer coordinator and she relieved me of my position with out telling me and took over the job on her own, because that is when she was angry with me and freaked out on me. So, with that in mind, last week I responded to her by saying that I prefer she find someone else to do the job because I didn’t feel like I did an adequate job last year. Now, I know I did a super job, but I did not want to deal with her and so used myself as a scape goat. She wrote back saying she thought I did a really good job last year, but that she would find someone else. I ask myself, why did she ask me to do it this year, when she treated me poorly last year? I don’ t care. I have great satisfaction knowing that I was in control and did not let her control me.
Originally, her contacting me for this ministry is what set me off again and prompted me to write the letter that I never sent, but I had time to mull over what you said and I feel so much more empowered now. In fact, I told my husband that I think I will be OK on Sundays when I see her because it’s so freeing to know she does not have control over me. I can say “no” to her. I know that I am a competent, intelligent woman, who has a lot to offer. I am never going to allow someone to make me think I am a less than that again. What was I thinking? UGH! How could I have let her influence me so much? I praise God for opening my eyes and for bringing you into my life to help me in this journey. Aren’t you glad that you seem to be a part of my “AHA” moments….like when I discovered she had narcissistic personality traits?
Thanks again for being so encouraging, understanding and empathetic. You truly understand what I am experiencing, like no one else, and it’s so helpful for me. I hope to meet you in person someday.
Love,
Dpsling
Congratulations, Dplsing! You found a solution that worked for you! Sometimes it’s helpful to convey how you feel to another, and sometimes it’s not. Based on what you shared with me, I think you made the right choice for yourself.
It’s normal to want to understand why a person acts in a certain way, but sometimes there’s just no answer. Some things are hard to follow because there really is no logic. This is usually true when agendas are the motivation and not anything someone does or doesn’t do.
It sounds like you’re in the process of reclaiming your power. I can’t tell you how happy I am for you!
As far as how you could let her influence you so much, that’s natural with people we let into our lives. Their opinions and behavior matter, because they matter.
But even if she didn’t mean anything to you, having someone freak out on you like that is a assault, and all assaults are going to impact the target, no matter who they are.
Not every relational aggressor is a narcissist, but they do share many traits in common. I just recognized some of those dynamics in your sharing with me.
The thing I like about AHA moments, isn’t when we diagnose someone, but when we free ourselves from the tyranny of confusion. Understanding can be extremely liberating, and when we stop needing to figure out what’s happening, we free that much energy into deciding what we want to do about it.
It’s my pleasure, Dpsling, and I’m honored you’ve shared so much of your journey with me through private emails and here. It’s always a learning experience, and your reclaiming your power has so made my day!
Here’s to our paths crossing some day.
Many blessings,
Demian,
~DreamSinger
Dear Demian,
I am finally getting a chance to write to you. I read your blog on “Acting Like it Didn’t Happen” It was very helpful to read that so thank you for sharing it.
As you know, Sunday’s can be difficult for me but ever since I wrote the letter that I didn’t send it has been a turning point for me and I am doing MUCH better…not perfect, but better. This AM I played my french horn during offertory in our church service. Afterwards, my abusive friend made the point of coming up to me and said “You did a beautiful job, and of course I alwaysjust, oh, love it when you play.” She was so animated by swinging her arms and very emphatic in expressing her self. All I could think in my mind was “She’s just putting on a show. She’s such a liar and a fake.” I know I did a great job, but it meant nothing coming from her. I am playing for God, not her or anyone else, so in the big picture it doesn’t matter, but I felt strength knowing that I didn’t feel anger or low self esteem around her. I only felt like I could see her for who she truly is and it felt great!
I think I opened a can of worms! I told a mutual friend of the abuse I received from our friend last year. I think it was a mistake to tell her. It’s all new to her and so she is experiencinig the shock that I went through last year. I thought that if I told her then I would feel like I wasn’t so alone and I would have someone who understood and could pray with me/for me, but now I feel more alone than ever because I got her involved and perhaps I shouldn’t have. I’m feeling guilt for letting the “cat out of the bag”.
Hey dpsling, it’s okay. It’s totally understandable wanting/needing to be heard by someone. Remember, the thing that’s so wrong about this situation isn’t that you told someone, but that you’re placed in this position to begin with.
Maybe you shouldn’t have told this friend. I don’t know how trustworthy she is with keeping confidence, but that’s something I know you will be able to deal with no matter what happens.
I’m not certain if I understand why she’s in shock. Is it because she can’t believe what she just heard or is it because like you last year, she is on the receiving end? I’m thinking it’s because she’s just having a hard time dealing with this new information, but I just wanted to be sure.
Part of being good friends is to support one another and lend an ear and a shoulder in time of need.
This doesn’t have to be another repeat of relational aggression. As your friend, she doesn’t really have to do anything except to be your friend. She doesn’t need to pick up your banner or make things right for you or tell others. She doesn’t even have to change her relationship with this woman.
What she can do now, because she’s been informed, is just be more aware of whatever dynamics are occurring between this woman and herself. That way she reduces the chances of being blindsided.
But she doesn’t have to “take sides”. In that way, she doesn’t have to get involved. Being someone to talk to is part of being a friend, so if you didn’t ask her to take any kind of action against this woman, then you really haven’t gotten her involved.
Do you see what I mean?
Make sure you make this clear to her, so she doesn’t feel out of loyalty she’s expected to do something for you or whatever.
If both of you can be clear in your boundaries, then you can be friends to one another without going to war for one another. If more people did this, there would be *much less* relational aggression. It’s hard to do relational aggression without collaborators, which isn’t synonymous with being a good friend.
It will be okay. Don’t feel guilty, dpsling. It’s human nature to want to be heard and understood, and at least, acknowledged. What happened to you last year happened.
You made it through that. You will make it through this.
Demian,
~DreamSinger