I received a newsletter from one of my favorite authors, Patricia Evans today. She focuses more often on the dynamics between men and women, but the principles I learned concerning what verbal abuse is applies to relational aggression, as well.
In June’s newsletter, she writes:
Unfortunately, when people don’t recognize verbal abuse for what it is, they may try to get the person who is putting them down, giving them orders, criticizing, them, blaming them, yelling at them or ignoring them, to understand them. They may think they can make it stop by telling the abuser how they feel. Or, they may think that they can explain why they thought, said, did something and their spouse will apologize for unjustly accusing, blaming or just plain yelling at them. Or they may try to stop the abuser by apologizing when they’ve done nothing. Or, they may try to stop the abuser by giving it back in kind, that is, yelling at him and calling him names. These methods don’t work with real abusers.
That’s because the agenda of people like this is not communication but control and what’s real or not real is irrelevant. Their meeting of their agenda is what matters to them.
It’s important (to your sanity and health) to understand that good faith communication with a person who has an agenda is going to, in all likelihood, be fruitless. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t attempt to communicate, to speak your truth or express your feelings. But you do need to pay attention to how successful these measures are and decide whether your energies in any such relationship is worth the commitment of your time and life, even a very small part of it.
If you start to get the idea you’re going round in circles, it’s probably because you are! You have a goal in sight: resolution and understanding. However, the person you are in conflict with may only have control or punishment as their agenda. In that case, all the good communication skills will go for nothing – with that person.
Use your communication skills with someone who will matter. Like a teacher or counselor, a higher supervisor or management, if this is a school or work situation. Or you can take your precious energy and invest it in people who respect you.
When you share your thoughts and feelings, share them with someone who cares.
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