Well, I’m positively chagrined I’ve been away this long, but there there was a serious health issue with one of my family members that took up my attention and emotional energy.
I’m, also, dealing with the fact that I’m always involved in way too many projects – my daughter, being my most important, as I’m homeschooling her. But I’ve made some decisions that will, hopefully, free up more time for me, while I continue homeschooling her.
Anyway, I am back, and just wanted to greet the new people who registered as members of this blog and/or subscribed.
I did want to make a clarification, because there is a difference. I know sometimes it can be confusing, but if you want notification of posts, you’ll have to either
1) sign up for the free ecourse
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Signing up as a member/user of this blog, means you can post comments. But you won’t be notified of new posts.
So welcome new people and hello to old friends. I hope all is well with you, and once again, look forward to exploring more about relational aggression.
10 comments in " I’m back! "
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Follow-up comment rss or Leave a Trackback.This is not really a comment, but I’m ot sure where to go for advice. Last October I a very close friend of mine “freaked out” on me. She started screaming at me and accused me of all kinds of horrible things that were not true. She told me I was the worst friend she ever had, I was keeping secrets from her etc…. I have never experienced this with any of my friends before and so was caught off guard. I insisted on having a meeting with her to discuss the issues that upset her. I also insisted our husbands be present. My friend was reluctant, esp. having the husbands present. We did finally meet and she rattled off all these terrible things about me. I apologized for everything and told her that my intentions were not to hurt her and that I was sorry she misunderstood me. I even apologized for things that she lied about because she insisted she was right. Unfortuneately, the whole ordeal threw me into a depression. I stopped homeschooling my children and put them in public school, I dropped some of my ministries in church and had a few counseling sessions with my pastor because I could not snap out of my depression. My husband was worried about me and it was affecting my every day life. I read “Mean Girls Grown Up” and could identify my friend as a “Queen Bee”. It was such a relief to know that I wasn’t imagining this whole ordeal. I have a surrounded myself with Godly women who have been such a blessing to me and am finally coming out of my depression. The only problem is that my friend lives next door to me, attends my church, is in my home group and we used to excercise together everyday. I have forgiven her, but I no longer want to be her friend because I don’t want to be a part of her lies, deception and anger. She was able to hide her true self for 6 years before her true colors were revealed. I have no problem being nice to her when we are together, but I have no desire to be intimate with her like we once were. Is that wrong or should I be reaching out to her? She never apologized, but I don’t think she is capable. I just don’t know how to act when she is around me.
Thanks for your comment and question. I appreciate you sharing something that was so painful to you.
I’m so sorry for this traumatic situation.
First, let me say you were wise to insist on having your husbands there. I always recommend having someone there…learned this the hard way.
It’s good to have witnesses to buffer the encounter, which in this incident sounds like a one-sided attack, and to ensure some “sticking to the truth” of what was said afterwards.
Your husbands still might have been too intimately involved with both of you to provide much support in terms of “refereeing” or provide any significant mediation.
Perhaps a pastor or other neutral mediator would have been more effective. It’s a touchy situation, when both husbands might have been reluctant to step on each other’s toes. But I’m very glad you did not agree to meet her alone.
You showed great restraint in apologizing for not only those things you thought she misconstrued, but for the out and out lies.
Your “friend” was incredibly abusive to you. Not only did she keep all her feelings from you for all these years, which is deceptive, but when she finally did tell you it was in such an attacking way. Screaming at you, telling you you were the worst friend she ever had, accusing you of holding secrets, as if she had a *right* to every thought you had, is abusive.
She did not tell you how she felt. She assaulted you with what she felt.
That is not how to communicate, never mind resolve a conflict.
The impact of that on your life shows just how traumatic and hurtful this kind of experience can be. She not only hurt you, but she hurt your loved ones and the areas of your life, your ministries, that were very important to you.
Should you be intimate with her now?
No.
Should you reach out to her again?
Only if you want to get bitten again. She may have hidden her true colors for six years, but she’s shown them now. Be aware and be wary. You owe her nothing.
Trust is a vital part of intimacy. You need to be able to know where you stand with someone, to trust them to tell you when things are not right or when they’re having problems with you.
You need to know that they will afford you the space to clarify. You need to know that there will be a good faith effort to understand, to allow you the benefit of the doubt as you would extend that to them. You need to know that they will communicate whatever negative feelings they have in such a way as to preserve your relationship.
I’m not talking about tip toeing around the issues. I’m talking about common courtesy, speaking clearly and respectfully, sticking to the issue at hand and refraining from personal attacks or overall general statements as to your worth as a human being.
Intimacy means you are safe enough to know where you stand.
There is no safety with this woman. She gave you no indication there was anything wrong or that she would be capable of such an emotional tirade. You will be walking on eggshells around her from now on – especially since she has shown no remorse for what she may have put you through or even attempted to understand how you feel.
You don’t need to be reaching out to her. That you are capable of being nice to her when your paths cross, that you are willing to be civil is a testament to your own character.
Now, find those who have the same character to invite into your intimate sphere.
Keep all those who would not honor you as a person and behave with integrity in their relationship with you at an arm’s length – further, if possible.
If your paths cross, be civil as you choose. But don’t feel you are obligated in any way to someone who would take away your peace of mind, *and* impact your entire family in the way she did.
She is NOT entitled to you.
Be at peace with your decision to protect yourself *and* your family. They and those who truly love and respect you are the ones you want to give the gift of intimacy. And those who honor it, are the ones who may keep it.
And please, be patient with yourself. It sounds like you’re on the way to healing and you have good people to surround you. It’s wonderful your husband gave you the book.
Just be gentle with your heart, keep yourself out of harm’s way as much as possible, and know that you are always welcome here.
Blessings
Thank you so much for your words of advice and encouragement. I really appreciate your sound advice in helping me deal with this ordeal.
Dear Demian,
I had an amazing thing happen to me 2 days ago. The friend who freaked out on me last October told me she was sorry for how she treated me. To give you a brief description of what transpired, she said that she has been attending a Bible study that has revealed to her that she failed miserably in the way she handled our situation and the way she treated me.
I was so relieved, thankful and praised God because I knew this would help me heal. I immediately called my husband at work to tell him the good news and he asked me how I felt. To be honest, I felt sick to my stomach. I was caught off guard that my body would react that way. I think I was finally learning to deal with the situation and my emotions.Now things have changed which has caused a new flood of emotions and uncertainties.
What do you suggest for me now? I feel like I have moved on, made new friends and now she wants back into my life, and yet I’m not sure I want her back in my life because I don’t want to be hurt again. I will proceed forward with extreme caution, but I don’t know how to be her true friend. I feel like I’m not being my genuine self or letting my guard down when I’m around her and I don’t want to be that way.
I would really appreciate your input.
Thanks So very much!
Hey! Good to hear from you again.
I’ve been so busy these past few days getting my daughter acclimated to a new curriculum and getting myself psychologically ready for the vigil I sang at tonight.
Now, I’m home and relaxed, and I just wanted to take a moment to respond to your comment.
First, I am so happy for you that you got this kind of acknowledgment. It doesn’t always happen and when it does, it really can lend to your healing.
Having said that, I also, have to say it doesn’t mean everything gets to go back to normal.
Healing is always possible, but some things just can’t be fixed. A bird’s broken wing can heal, but doesn’t automatically mean it will be able to fly again.
And even if it does, you can only go forward, there can be no going back.
If you’re not sure you want her in your life, then don’t. In my opinion, it would be disrespectful for you to just pretend everything is the way it used to be – level of trust, comfort and the like.
The fact is, you’re a person. Not a puppet on a string. Most of us need to be aware of our willingness to let others define for us what our experiences will be.
You know, if *you’re* mean, then I hurt. If *you’re nice*, then I’m fine. If *you* want to be friends, then we’re friends. If *you* don’t want to be friends, then we’re not.
But where do we factor into this? Listen to your own comfort level. Give yourself the space to do what is right for you. Your husband is incredibly insightful to ask you how *you* were feeling.
Ask yourself that and be respectful of what you tell you.
If in time, you decide you want to be closer to her, because she has given you many reasons to be more trusting or willing to take that chance, then that’s one thing. But I would caution any decision to just jump back in or start trying to fit into a type of closeness that just isn’t your size any more.
You’re the only one who can decide what is best for you, but I would pay close attention to what you are saying, and if you feel you can’t be your genuine self around her, then that would speak volumes to me.
At this point, graciously accept her apology, and know that that does not mean you must agree to anything else.
You can bless her, and let yourself receive the healing acknowledgment can bring, but that doesn’t mean you give your right to choose over to her.
If that’s what she’s asking, then it’s more than an apology she’s offering.
She’s taking.
Thank you again, for your words of wisdom and for the time you have taken to write to me. It seems like you really understand what I am going through because you are able to “voice” exactly how I feel, which I am not always able to do. For example, yes, I was feeling like a puppet on a string, and jumping into a closeness with her is not my size anymore.
It seems like my eyes have been opened and I see things now that I was blinded to in the past. I see the drama in everything that happens in her life and I don’t want to be a part of it anymore. If she chooses to live her life in a drama mode, that’s her choice, but I don’t need to rescue her from the consequences of her choices in order to be a “true friend” because then I am enabling her to continue and am being taken advantage of by her.
I do feel guilt. Is that normal and how should I address the guilt? For example, she has called to ask me to take walks with her, but I have found a new walking partner and so have not made myself available to walk with her. Also, I no longer call her to “just chat” like we used to, and I feel bad (guilt) that I’m intentionally excluding her from my life. If she calls me I am cordial but brief. I don’t open up to her or volunteer information like I did in the past. She must sense the difference in the way I respond to her and I feel bad about that too. Why do I worry so much about her and what she thinks? I don’t like that she has that control over me.
Whenever you feel guilty, I would recommend you reading your own words.
There is wisdom in there. You don’t want to be a part of someone else’s drama. It truly is her choice, which does not preclude your right to make your own choices. You certainly don’t need to rescue her, and in fact, would be doing a disservice to not only her, but yourself…and that’s making the assumption that you can rescue anyone in the first place, which you really can’t.
You feel guilty, because you’re a caring person. Because on some level you know she is feeling pain, and that is hard for you to ignore. Some of us (particularly females) are hardwired to be nurturing to others, to take upon ourselves the responsibility to provide comfort to others, to make everything all right.
Recognize that, acknowledge it and then remind yourself of what’s real…and more importantly, who is real in your life. That would be family and true friends. She only has control over you if you let her determine what your choices will be. I understand that you would like to not feel guilt towards her, and how that feels like control, but I would not be so hard on myself. The more you struggle with guilt, the more space you give her in your life. Just acknowledge it, accept it as a part of you, remind yourself not only of your choices, but the why of them, and that compassionate energy you give yourself for your feelings will help you to release them. Then live your life as you feel right.
And please be aware that there is a difference between alienating someone out of relational aggression and defining boundaries.
You are defining boundaries to someone who has proven to be abusive and only after many months has come around to admitting that she wasn’t exactly fair to you.
You know, she does have a right to a second chance…but not necessarily with you. Life will provide her with opportunity to be a good friend to someone else. Nothing says it has to be you.
Hello Demian,
It has been a while since I’ve written to you. It has been a year since my friend “freaked out” on me and it is interesting to read what I wrote and look back over the past year. I thought that a year would heal the wounds, but I do still struggle with depression. I have good days more than bad. God has brought many wonderful friends into my life and I am very blessed.
My “friend” did send me an email apologizing again for the way she handled things. I told her I forgave her and she doesn’t need to keep apologizing. I do struggle because she apologized for the way she “handled the situation”, she didn’t apologize for calling me a horrible friend, liar etc….So in my mind I know she still thinks these horrible things about me.
The most difficult day of the week is Sunday because that is when I have to see her at church. Her position is prominent and her ministry is growing very well. I have expressed to my husband that I would love to find a new church so that my worship time with God will help me grow, instead of struggling each week like I’m carrying a deep secret about this woman who can do evil things and I should be telling others and warning them about her so they don’t get “sucked in” like I was. It’s so difficult for me to watch her be so cheerful and wonderful to everyone, people really like her. She is on top of the world and I am struggling daily. I still feel alone at times. I’m glad for her, I’m not jealous, I just want people to see who she really is so they don’t get hurt by her like I was. I don’t wish this on anybody.
If I could talk openly with her I would tell her how much her horrible words affected my ministries at church, which in turn, affected a lot of other people who I ministered to. I would tell her that she is the reason our home group fell apart. My husband stepped down from leadership in order to protect me from her and now no one has stepped up to be a leader so the group no longer meets. I would tell her that I no longer direct the girls choir becuase I couldn’t cope with the depression her harsh words caused and buying groceries for my family was a huge task for me, let a lone ministering to others. I would tell her that words can really hurt a person and she should choose them wisely.
Thanks for listening while I vent my feelings. I think of you often and hope all is well with you!
Oh, hello, dear friend! I’ve been so busy that I almost missed this comment completely. You have been on my mind and I had decided that this afternoon I would email you and see how you are…and here you are!
I’m getting ready to head out the door, but I’ll be back. I’m glad to hear you’re doing well, and yes, I’m not surprised that so much havoc would have been caused by this woman’s behavior.
Just to let you know that I’m delighted to hear from you. Talk to you soon.
[...] written to you. It has been a year since my friend “freaked out” on me and it is interesting to read what I wrote (in comments – editor’s note) and look back over the past year. I thought that a year would [...]