My worst experience with relational aggression. Well, I don’t know if it was the worst, but it definitely was the eye opener for me. And it wasn’t in grade school or middle school or high school, though I have stories there to share.
It happened in my adult years. That’s the thing about relational aggression. There are so many stereotypes about it. Like it’s a “girl thing” or it’s a problem of the youth.
Well, it’s not.
But for me, it was certainly more subtle in my adult years. I’m a fairly solitary person, didn’t have that much to do with people, unless it was in regards to a social cause or something.
Then I started dating again, and over the course of several years became involved in two different relationships with younger men.
When I entered into these relationships, I entered into a very different world from the solitary one I was used to. I experienced a good deal of backstabbing from young girls, who suddenly become my direct competition and older women, who were apparently jealous. It was a traumatic shock to me.
In all fairness, I, also, received support from both age groups, but if I had known just how hurtful and aggressive relational aggression can be, even as it lies beneath the radar of authority figures or people who matter to the aggressors, I might have reconsidered getting involved. At the very least, I would have been a lot more prepared and a lot less tolerant of first signs.
That the men I was involved with were, also, enablers, and in their own way encouraged it, or at least, used it to their advantage, made it all that much worse. I did not understand this at the time.
It was in this place of dishonesty and mind games, that I was hit hard by the gossip, rumors, two-faced manipulations both to me and to the guy, (although very different) that I was involved with at the time, and the incredibly infantile behaviors. You know what I’m talking about, don’t you?
It’s the giggling as you walk by, animal sounds, such as honking like a geese, as they pass you (there’s a large repertoire of noises aggressors and collaborators can make – they are quite talented), the darting glances, notes left for you to read, pointing, ignorant comments to you or talking about you in the third person while you’re standing right there…infantile behavior, all of them incredibly childish, and so easy for someone else (not in the line of fire) to say, “Oh, let it go! Just rise above it.â€
But also, among the most hurtful. Because it often happens out of nowhere, and because people you don’t even know will engage in this, and so you never know when you’ll be assaulted in this way. And relational aggression doesn’t just affect how other people see you, but how they treat you.
In the eyes of some, who were quite forward in their disapproval, I was seen as a *bad person*, a vandalizer, someone who was capable of destroying property out of jealousy, someone who could possibly do bodily harm on my “aggressor-but-in-their-eyes-a-target”, to the point where if I walked into the room, the supposed “target†of my rage and meanness would need the protection of her friends. And they would literally come over to her and hover round her, as if she were in danger! Shocked
Clueless me though, didn’t understand at that time what was happening. I knew people were being ignorant and mean, but I just didn’t understand the full depth or nature of it. And because none of this behavior made sense or followed any logic that I could comprehend, the pain, and the wound of it, went all that much deeper.
Not that it wouldn’t have hurt if I did understand the dynamics of relational aggression, but I would have known that it was *them* and not me. As it were, there were times I thought I was going crazy.
BECAUSE THE AGGRESSOR, HERSELF, was *never* mean directly to me. Well almost never. Except for at the very end, when there was nothing left to lose. But prior to that, she, herself, “did nothing”. Other people did for her. To make matters worse, periodically, she would offer a truce or a desire for friendship. The first time, she stood before me, extended her arms and with a cute little cock of her head, asked for “hugs?†I embraced her in my arms.
The next day I was the enemy again, and I went through my first cycle of some of the worst relational aggression ever.
I came to dread these “peace offerings”, because I knew I would have to brace myself.
It was crazy-making. When no one was looking she’d smile and say hi. But when others were around, she was suddenly too afraid to even leave her seat, lest I should zero in on her. Then she’d totally deny anything was wrong to me, when I confronted her, and then use that to embellish the encounter and recreate it as if I were abusive to her again!
I never thought to confront her publically, so I’d at least have witnesses as to my behavior and openly call her on her contradictory behavior. At that time, I was still operating by my principles – respecting another to afford privacy in dealing with sensitive issues or conflict, as it was a private matter between two people.
Right.
Until I heard of the term “relational aggressionâ€, I was so disoriented, so angry and even fearful, because I couldn’t ascertain what was going on or when the next verbal or emotional assault would happen, that I was really beginning to doubt my ability to discern and cope in my reality. I became anxious, almost to the point of paranoid during the worst of it.
It was this experience that made me realize how girls can hide behind their youth – my aggressor was young – using it as an excuse for every inappropriate behavior or to beguile another into letting them go of any responsibility. It was in this relationship that I learned how older women can undermine you, claim to be your friend or sympathetic, women with children of their own, who turn around and try to help another break up your family or happily spread every rumor they know is not true.
Through it all, I had a core group of friends, albeit few, being a loner, and most of it long distance relationships, who helped me keep some perspective on women with integrity and genuine friendship.
But this experience really blew me out of the water, and triggered a long search into understanding what relational aggression was about and to find a way to address it that was meaningful to me.
It’s why I feel impassioned to help others. I know what it’s like. I know how deeply isolated you can feel and how painful those self-doubts can be and just how deep that wound can go.
It’s why I’m here, and it’s why I hope you will share your stories and your strengths. We aren’t alone, and we can be here for each other.
Recent Comments