In talking with a reporter the other day she mentioned that women are often handicapped by the “disease to please,” a term I had never heard before. All too readily, I understood what she was talking about, though: the woman who gives, gives, gives until there’s nothing left for herself. In some ways, a woman like this inadvertantly gives others the message that it’s somehow okay to take advantage of her.

It’s ironic that our very capacity to connect, be helpful, and nurture in lifegiving ways can also be a liability, yet biologically we are predisposed to be the givers rather than the getters. Certainly, the goal is not for young women to become doormats for everyone around them. Teaching a “better way” to deal with relational aggression does not mean becoming passive or a whimp, eager to give in to others and never thinking of oneself.

At the same time, there is room for “confident kindness” a term we coined in Girl Wars to represent the quality of being sure enough of oneself to extend kindness (with limits) to others. Here’s a great quote that captures the thought perfectly:

Kindness in words creates confidence
Kindness in thinking creates profoundness
Kindness in giving creates love.
Lao-tzu