Given that my next book is about RA within families AND given that we just passed through the “kickoff” holiday of Thanksgiving, it seems worth musing about families we are born into and/or sworn into. Some of the bitterest stories I received for my recent book came from women who thought being related should somehow be equated with being tolerated–it wasn’t.
Some fascinating work on altruism suggests that we really do have stronger ties to our kin–both immediate and extended. That means when trapped in a burning building, you are more likely to rescue folks from your own family, even if they’re distant in-laws you know only slightly. But our motives aren’t completely pure, according to author David Barash, who wrote Revolutionary Biology: The New Gene-Centered View of Life (Transaction Press, 2003). Barash believes it’s the need to guarantee the survival of our gene pool that drives actions that may seem, on the surface, to be altruistic or affectionate.
How does this connect to RA? When RA occurs between women in families, there’s a special kind of betrayal. Your sister, or your mother-in-law or your cousin aren’t supposed to treat you that way. Families, we often think, are a safe haven from the rest of the cruel world. Unfortunately, for some women the next month is one of dread as they either avoid get-togethers for fear of RA reprisals, or suffer through putdowns, backstabbing, and manipulations, all within the comfort of home.
This is where a book like Demian’s “Where There’s Smoke” can be very prescriptive. She offers lots of tips on how to deal with various forms of relational aggression–the kind of strategies you can really see yourself using or suggesting to others.
And look for “Forced to be Family” in 2007–hopefully I’ll have additional suggestions to offer.
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