My editor asked me to develop a “quiz” on adult relational aggression to go out with the press kit for Mean Girls Grown Up (release date September 23!). Thought it might be a little “lighter” perspective than writing about RA and also a helpful resource to evaluate behavior(s).

Exclusive to you:

COULD YOU BE A QUEEN BEE?

1. Your friend Suzy meets you at the gym for your daily workout. She tells you that she’s thrilled because she lost the last 5 lbs of pregnancy weight that she had been carrying. You:

a) feel excited for her and know her success will motivate you in your own workout.
b) congratulate her, but later call a mutual friend to tell her that you can’t believe Suzy actually lost the weight because she still looks at least 5 lbs. overweight.
c) are overcome by pang of jealousy, so you offer to celebrate by treating her to a couple of Krispy Kremes because you know she can’t resist them. Maybe it will make her gain the weight back.
d) sheepishly congratulate although you’re mortified you’re not the one who’re lost the extra weight

2. For the most part you are comfortable with your looks, and feel like you can land a date on a Saturday night if you really want to. On Monday, you go into your office and the open position has just been filled by a woman who looks like a supermodel. You:

a) go introduce yourself, offer to grab lunch, and tell her you are excited by her arrival.
b) go introduce yourself, but feel anxious to find out some “juice” on this woman so you can share it with other colleagues.
c) ignore her– anyone that pretty is obviously not smart and she clearly got hired because of her looks.
d) stay out of her way as much as possible.

3. You are absolutely beaming because you are getting married tomorrow. Everything is all squared away, and now you can sit back and just enjoy your moment of celebration. Except your future sister-in-law Mary calls you and says she forgot to pick up the bridesmaid dresses from the hotel as you had asked. You:

a) assume of course that it was an honest mistake and tell her you’ll ask your best friend to go get them.
b) hang up, and look at your best friend and express how annoyed you are that Mary forgot to pick-up the dresses.
c) feel angry, and call your fiance’ to tell him that the photographer is not to take any photos of his sister at the wedding, since Mary almost ruined the whole celebration.
d) immediately tell Mary it’s OK that she made the slip and apologize to her for asking her to do you this favor at the last minute.

4. Ever since you moved, you have been anxious to get into the nearby country club. You think you might enjoy the company of the women who belong, and it might be a great place for your teenage daughter to meet some friends. It’s a prestigious club however and you need sponsors to get you in. You devise the following tactics:

a) call the country club and ask for the name of any members who might be available to meet with you and give you more information on the club’s membership policy.
b) take a club member out to lunch to get information and show how much you already know by casually mentioning a little gossip you heard about the golf pro and Mrs. Cotter.
c) throw a lavish 16th birthday party for your daughter and only invite the children of club members.
d) forget about it, you’ll probably never get accepted in.

5. You are co-chair for the annual fund-raiser at your congregation. You’ve envisioned an elegant black tie, sit-down dinner with a string quartet. You can’t wait to show-off your new couture gown. However, Amy, the woman who is co-chairing with you, has completely different taste and she envisions a rowdy, square dance theme instead. She thinks it’d be fun for everyone to come dressed in denim and flannels. You decide:

a) you are fine going with Amy’s idea instead, especially as the goal is to raise money not to show off your dress.
b) you are to afraid to stand up to Amy, so you go with her idea but at Sunday’s service begin warning everyone about the attire.
c) you are resigning as co-chair and announce to publicly your reason for dropping out is Amy’s stupid idea.
d) of course you defer to Amy’s whishes as you always do.

If your behaviors are mostly “A’s” congratulations to you! Likely you already know what an asset you are to other women because you have lots of loyal friends and colleagues. Your ability to connect with others in ways that empower both yourself and other women (think Oprah) are an inspiration to all of us!

“B” answers are the kinds of behavior a “Middle Bee” uses to harm other women. Through manipulative “go between” tactics, she works indirectly to plant and nourish seeds of hostility toward others. Rather than use her energies to develop true leadership skills, this woman believes the only power she can have is through controlling people she finds threatening, which is just about everyone.

Queen Bees hone their hurtful relationship style with “C” type interactions. An instant assumption that she needs to launch a preemptive attack on other women no matter when, where, or who fuels her anger and aggression. While she probably believes she is assertive rather than aggressive, eventually the Queen Bee’s bullying tactics catch up with her. Then, to her sorrow, she realizes how many opportunities she has missed or ruined because of her behavior.

“D” behaviors are the dynamic often used by Afraid to Bees, and come from a lack of confidence and self esteem as well as failure to learn how to connect in positive ways with others. Rather than believing in herself and responding assertively, this woman will assume the passive role, with a danger of her behavior becoming automatic in all situations. Her frustration and anger can be as intense as those of other “bee” types, but gets turned inwardly on herself rather than outwardly on others.

Perhaps you had a mix of all these behaviors, suggesting that in some situations you feel more or less secure of your ability to speak your truth. You might explore whether some places and people influence your behavior in positive or negative ways.

Faulty assumptions about power, past hurts that drive present behavior, never learning positive relationship skills, and a lack of confidence in your true ability to be a leader can place any women in the role of victim, bully, or go-between. If you believe your relationship style needs an overhaul, consider these tips:

a) Do an honest and thorough inventory of how you typically interact with others: Do your employees avoid you at all costs, or cower in your presence? Are you the center of a merry-go-round of gossip? When feeling upset, do you become more self critical and passive? Identify specific behaviors to transform from hurtful to helpful.
b) Learn more about positive communication, especially body language, which women tend to “read” much more quickly than men. While being able to connect effectively with others may seem automatic, in reality it’s a learned skill.
c) Identify ways you can develop power without demeaning others or yourself. Take up a hobby, work on your athletic prowess, launch a volunteer program or try some other activity that will give you a new opportunity to connect with others in a different way.
d) Believe you can change. You may not be able to reverse the past, but the future is yours to create!