Well, I’ve been busy off doing other things, as you may well have noticed. I had my hands full ending the homeschool year and getting ready for another. We’re going to be doing things differentlly this year, at least to start off with, and there are a lot of new arrangements that need to be made for the upcoming school year. I’m still educating her at home, but I’m looking at a cyber school.

Anyway, my youngest daughter is now going through a relational aggression experience, at the moment, and I am observing some very interesting dynamics. This is not her first, but it is her most recent.

There was a previous, harsher experience earlier this year, to the point where I chose to leave one social group for another. But this one is the most recent, and in observing this and other situations, not among just children, but their mothers, I’m beginning to see just how closely intertwined the two are.

I feel a need to explore this further. I may actually start posting again!

I’m so sorry, but for some reason my spam filter is acting up. I accidentally deleted some legitimate comments along with the spam, and when I tried to retrieve them like I’m supposed to be able to, I wasn’t allowed.

I’m very upset with this, as people’s comments and experiences are important to me. I’m afraid the deleted comments are probably irretrievable.

I do offer my deepest apologies.

“Where There’s Smoke: The Fire of Relational Aggression”
copyright 2008 Demian Elaine’ Yumei

CHAPTER 2(a)
AM I MAKING A BIG DEAL OUT OF THIS?

In addition to disbelief there’s another common reaction – embarrassment. People are almost apologetic to bring something like this up, as if they were being silly for even mentioning it, as if they were making a big deal out of nothing.

It is a big deal.

Relational aggression is covert abuse, a type of bullying predicated on deception, comprised of psychological and emotional assaults through the manipulation of relationships. It is characterized by gossip, rumors, teasing, alienating and censure. That’s some pretty nasty stuff!

We’ll explore the specifics of relational aggression in greater detail in Chapter 4, but right now, I want you to know that if you are or have been a target of relational aggression you are not being petty for objecting or “too sensitive” for hurting or somehow failing yourself for “letting” other people get to you.

When it rains, you get wet. When people are mean, it hurts. It’s not your shortcoming for feeling that hurt!

Yes, you are responsible for how you respond to what you experience, but what you experience is what you experience. It’s normal, not a sign of a flaw, to experience hurt and/or anger when people are mean.

Trust your senses and do not diminish what you feel. Whether your experience with relational aggression is dealing with darting glances and muffled laughter in school or finding your reputation and standing among peers damaged at work, relational aggression hurts. Covert abuse hurts. That it’s covert does not make the abuse any less abusive!

And when it occurs in a person’s life or where it occurs doesn’t lessen its impact. If the law, itself, recognizes that slander or libel can inflict considerable damage to a person’s peace of mind, reputation and social standing, can it be any less injurious because you’re a kid or less devastating because the rumor isn’t published in a tabloid?

Studies have shown that victims of relational aggression suffer the same long-term effects as victims of physical bullying. Targets suffer emotional and psychological distress. The very foundation of trust, the willingness or ability to trust again, is often damaged, and self-image, as well as self-worth can be severely shaken.

Worse yet, an expectation of failure in all relationships, including with life, can be set into place. Dr. Charisse Nixon calls this “learned helplessness”. She has a YouTube video on illustrating this phenomenon.

The bottom line is relational aggression hurts! Be comfortable accepting that. Denial of negative or unpleasant emotions is the root of relational aggression, remember? So don’t deny how you feel or feel bad about feeling bad!

Own your feelings, but know there are choices you can make. You are not powerless.

Even when it pours, you can get out of the rain. Or you can take out an umbrella. You can put on a rain coat…and if you choose, you can even dance in the rain! You have options, and we’ll explore them starting with Chapter 12, but for now, it’s important to remember that it’s normal to feel hurt, when someone is hurting you!

[Chapter 2 to be continued]

[This material is part of my book, “Where There’s Smoke” and is copyrighted by myself, Demian Elaine’ Yumei, as is all posts authored by myself on this blog. If you use any part of these writings, even in fair use, please include my name and a link back to http://www.relationalaggression.net. Thank you! ~ Demian]

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“Where There’s Smoke: The Fire of Relational Aggression”
copyright 2008 Demian Elaine’ Yumei

CHAPTER 1(f)
IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING?

The Necessity of Integration
The integration of what I sensed intuitively and what I discovered intellectually was not only an important part of my healing, but crucial to my ability as a human being to function in my world. To be cut off from your ability to discern and name your own experiences is to be seriously handicapped.

The assaults of covert abuse can shake your sense of wholeness. The mind games can tear down your confidence to where you are constantly second guessing yourself and walking on eggshells in a reality you can no longer read or trust.

Being able to discern and being integrated within yourself is important not only to healing, but for survival. You can’t navigate through your world effectively without being present and you can only be present if all of you is there.

That is why giving up your own intuition and discernment for someone else’s story is such a mistake. This is what relational aggression and all forms of covert abuse ask….demand of you.

Say no.

Specific situations have specific details that are unique to the individuals involved, but there are patterns to watch for and characteristics. When you listen to your sense that “something is wrong” and take it to your knowledge of what can be wrong, you give yourself the opportunity to use your power of discernment to compare and assess your situation.

You check your understanding with your reality, analyzing and intuiting, nurturing and reinforcing your integrated self. You give yourself a framework in which to provide some sanity amidst the craziness. You create the space for clarity. You give yourself the ability to make better choices.

Knowledge and awareness can, also, address your sense of isolation and the shame it often entails. Relational aggression, and covert abuse in general, is a common occurrence, but chances are if you are a target or have been a target, you feel alone.

I will never forget the first time I heard the term, “relational aggression” coined by researcher Dr. Nicki Crick, and popularized by author, Rachel Simmons. Naming my experience gave it wings. It no longer sat on my chest, crushing me with confusion and frustration.

It strengthened my growing understanding and made all the broken pieces of comprehension I had been gathering, throughout my relational aggression experience, fall into a cohesive picture. And it gave me the one thing that is most denied to and missed by targets, by all victims of abuse - validation.

I wasn’t crazy, after all. I wasn’t imagining things or being petty or small. This really was happening…and it was hurtful.

[Chapter 2 to follow]

[This material is part of my book, “Where There’s Smoke” and is copyrighted by myself, Demian Elaine’ Yumei, as is all posts authored by myself on this blog. If you use any part of these writings, even in fair use, please include my name and a link back to http://www.relationalaggression.net. Thank you! ~ Demian]

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“Where There’s Smoke: The Fire of Relational Aggression”
copyright 2008 Demian Elaine’ Yumei

CHAPTER 1(e)
IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING?

Being Vigilant
It takes a lot of energy to be vigilant, to spot this kind of deception when it’s happening, to question what you are being told either verbally or visually, to compare what you are given with what you know, to look carefully for contradictions or inconsistencies.

It’s a lot of work.

This is why being with subtly deceptive people can leave you feeling drained. Emotional fatigue is a telling sign to watch out for.

In the midst of my own confusion, I asked why. Why were things not adding up? Why was I feeling confused and disoriented in these interactions?

There were people who didn’t want me to ask these questions or to go beyond the smoke screen. I was told to, “Stop analyzing everything.” And “You think too much.”

But instead of brushing it off or listening to others who tried to get me to drop it, either for their own agendas or with good intentions, instead of allowing myself to be spiritually shamed into being a better target, I persisted in trying to understand.

That I was in the midst of these assaults gave me plenty of fodder to go through.

I looked carefully at the impact of words and actions. I considered the actual results of what was said or done, as opposed to what was claimed or asserted. I tried to see if there was a connection between what appeared to be sporadic, intermittent behavior and purpose. I analyzed the dynamics that were appearing before me and considered their implications.

I paid attention.

As I did so an image began to appear, like the outline of a camouflaged animal, and then the whole creature. I began to clearly see and understand what I had been only, previously, picking up and sensing, on an intuitive level.

I was right.

[Chapter 1 to be continued]

[This material is part of my book, “Where There’s Smoke” and is copyrighted by myself, Demian Elaine’ Yumei, as is all posts authored by myself on this blog. If you use any part of these writings, even in fair use, please include my name and a link back to http://www.relationalaggression.net. Thank you! ~ Demian]

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